Post by hallie beatrix cauldwell on Sept 20, 2011 21:04:18 GMT -5
Dear Diary
I know it’s kind of weird for a sixteen year old to have a diary, but to be honest, I’ve never had one before. So I decided, after the events that happened to me, why not record it here, instead of whining to my friends. Because I’ve realized, I complain a lot. But why? I should be grateful really, that I’m even still alive….you know, after the kidnapping. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d make it out, and I think my mother had the same concern. For the past month, she wouldn’t stop telling me how much she absolutely loved me, as if it might be the last time she said it.
Well, it’s my last day at home before I have to go back to Hogwarts. I mean, I knew I had to go back eventually, but the time I spent at home healing went by too quickly. Sure, it helped with the bruised ribs and my swollen jaw, but I did a lot of mental healing too. I think the biggest changed I’ve experienced over the last month was learning how to accept who I am. I’m not a bad person because I don’t have my virginity anymore. Nor am I tainted because I have a small scar that constantly reminds me of what happened. I think the last two months, while I wish to forget it somewhat, has really taught me not to take things for granted. And you definitely shouldn’t let things bother you. Life is too short to be full of regrets.
I was reading a book the other day, and I found this wonderful quote that I would like to forever remember and live by [occ: it’s from One Tree Hill]: There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at crossroads, afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it’s only when you’re tested, that you truly discover who you are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.
I think throughout my life I have always tried to be the perfect daughter, because I saw how disappointed my father was in my two older sisters; I think that’s mainly why I was so broken when I lost my virginity--because it’s been instilled in me since I was young that people must wait until they are married. But in trying to achieve such perfection and in trying to please everyone around me, I lost sight of who I was as a person…and I forgot that everyone, including myself, has flaws. And so, from now on, I have no other desire that to please myself, and do what I want to. I’m no longer ashamed of my past, and I look forward to the future.
I know going back to school won’t be easy. In fact, I’m quite terrified to go back. My parents wouldn’t let me read about the kidnapping, so I had no idea if the other girls were even alive until two weeks ago. They’re all safe, thankfully, but I still cannot shake the one feeling of guilt. I might have accepted what happened, but that’s only for me. I was the cause of my own torture, I get that now…but I can also be held accountable for the torture of the three other girls who were with me that night. The only thing I can possibly do is apologize, because I can’t change what happened. But will the girls be understanding? Will they even want to hear what I have to say? Truthfully, I have no idea, and that’s what scares me so much.
Upon looking back at that night, a thing I don’t do all too often, it never ceases to amaze me how the pieces fell perfectly. It was almost as if someone wanted to personally attack me. My father hired the best detectives in the world, but the only thing they could come up with was that it was Death Squadron activity. Amateur reporters could have said the same thing. My mother thinks someone wanted our money, which she would have gladly paid every galleon of it to get her daughter back. I still think it was someone who hated me, but I’m moving on. Letting go of the past, and living for the future. It won’t be easy to completely forgive and forget, as the kidnap is very much a part of my life, but I just need to let go of the negative energy. My [occ: real] mother once told me: Live each moment to the fullest. Never dwell on the past, or rush for the future, because each moment is precious in its own special way. So that’s what I planned to do. When I go back to school tomorrow, I’m going to make things right with all the people I’ve hurt over the last two months. I realize it might get tough, and not everyone is going to be understanding. But if I do everything in my capability, well then, that’s all I have to live for.
---Hallie
